Saturday, July 20, 2013

Listen Up Vanilla Sister

Tonight Master posed an interesting question to me.  He asked me what advice I would give to a vanilla friend if she came to me and said her partner had been reading about Dominant/submissive relationships and wants to try it.   Hmmm.  Master and I have only just celebrated our three month anniversary in our newly minted Master/slave relationship, so I hardly feel an expert on the topic. As I waxed philosophic and reminiscent, one sentiment immediately stood out - I have never been happier, more content, more fulfilled, and more satisfied.  So that sure sounds like I would counsel my vanilla buddy to don some handcuffs, order a paddle, and start working on kneeling positions.  But is it really that simple?

I think my first question of my curious pal would be – why does she think her partner wants this?   Is it for kinky sex and bedroom dominance?  Some erotic spanking? Or does he want to embrace more traditional male/female family roles?   Is he looking for a round the clock change in sexual and nonsexual aspects of their relationship?   I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer to these questions.  The answers just give insight to what’s in his head.  It also doesn't mean that the answers won’t morph over time.  That’s certainly what happened and continues to happen to us.

For a couple that is already in a well established relationship, this can all be pretty dicey.  What if one partner thinks everything is fine and the other is wanting to ramp things up?  What if he wants kink and she thinks good girls don’t do that?  (Though they really do.) Obviously, this can go badly.  I’m not a relationship counselor, but what I’ve found is that communication, patience, some humor, and a good dose of open mindedness go a long way.  If I had to select the one area where our relationship has blossomed the most as we explored M/s, it would be communication (no, not sex, but that’s a close second).  We talk about everything and at a much more intimate level.  It’s been very similar to that initial dating period where you can’t get enough of each other – pretty amazing after being married for two decades.  So if a couple can talk openly and honestly, they can examine their relationship in the light of D/s and decide if it’s for them, and make adjustments along the way.

Which leads to the next thing I would tell my questing sister.  I would tell her to do her research.   Get on the internet and search away.  Learn the lingo.  Find out the flavors (BDSM, M/s, D/s, Taken in Hand, A Domestic Discipline Society, 24x7 same roof – to name a few). Looking at the different approaches can help a couple see what appeals or resonates with them and provides lots of opportunity for intimate and titillating conversation.  Yep, there’s the communication item again. And don't stick to nonfiction. Read short stories and novels across the spectrum. It just may get you hot enough to want to try some things.

At this point if my friend hasn't run away screaming, I would tell her to dip a toe in and give it a try. Sex is a good place to start.  Most couples have dabbled in some light bondage or spanking according to a study I recently read. Early in our journey, after bondage became a regular part of sex, Master asked me to be his sex slave.  We just thought it would be a bedroom kind of thing.  But, as we researched, read, and practiced, we discovered there was a lot more to it and we began expanding beyond sex. We discovered this really works for us. An attempt at some kinkier sex completely changed everything we thought we knew about relationships and happiness.

So, do I think this could work for every couple?  Obviously if the relationship is already on shaky ground trying to go down this road could be perilous.  And, I guess it could be possible to mess up a perfectly good relationship by adding some kinky dynamics. On the other hand, not changing something could eventually mess up a relationship too.

I guess my parting insight to my vanilla friend would be to take the risk (nothing ventured, nothing gained) and have some fun.  There are some surprising things to be found along this journey and it’s a journey I don't regret and wouldn't miss for the world.

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