Thursday, June 20, 2013

Orgasm Denied - Restless in Dallas

I am not good at being denied things I want. Be it dessert, a new outfit, something for the house, or an orgasm, I do lack self-discipline. I've spent a lifetime not believing I am a spoiled brat (being an only child we are always labeled as spoiled). But I am finding as I explore my submission that I am much closer to a brat than a paragon of self-control.

From my reading, I've learned that graciously accepting the denial of an orgasm is an expected and desirable trait in a sub. And even better if your Master first gets you all fired up, or demands that you arouse yourself, and then leaves you high and dry. I've read one story recently (helpfully provided by Master) where a sub had to masturbate once each day for every letter in the name of the day (yes, that means nine times on Wednesday). All without a single orgasm the entire week. That sub handled the task with some struggle, but also with a positive submissive attitude.

A couple nights ago I had my own experience with orgasm denial and my attitude definitely left some room for improvement. It started with Master telling me to get a shower. This is usually a good sign because it means there is a chance he is planning to go down on me (which he does quite expertly). I quickly finished my shower anticipating some good oral sex. I wasn't disappointed as Master dove right in. Things were really cooking along when Master stopped. He let me cool down a bit and then started fingering me. Again, just as my arousal was reaching it's peak, Master stopped followed by another cool down.

Master then mounted me and started really fucking me. He was pumping in and out of me hard and fast, and I was climbing towards orgasm again but not just quite able to get there. This went on for a while. Then, all of a sudden, Master had his orgasm and quickly pulled out, leaving me hanging a third time. It almost seemed like Master varied his technique and strokes to keep me just on the edge but unfulfilled. (Which it turns out he purposely did.)

This did not make me happy at all! The worst part was when he reminded me that I had asked him many times to use my body for his pleasure without consideration of my own. But I didn't imagine Master would first go to a lot of effort to arouse me and then take his pleasure without me. As I rolled over to go to sleep (giving Master the cold shoulder), I think I would have gladly thrown daggers at him if I had any in the night stand. My body eventually cooled off, but my mind was still boiled, processing what had happened and dissecting how I felt about.
“I should be a good sub and graciously accept my Master’s use of me." 
“Why was he so mean to arouse me and then leave me hanging?” 
“Did he set out from the very beginning to do that?” 
“I did ask him to do this, so what’s my problem now that he has?” 
“How could he do this to me?” 
“I'll just give myself an orgasm later after he falls asleep – oh wait, I’m not allowed to do that!” 
“Why can’t I get into a proper submissive frame of mind about this?”
This went on and on and on. I couldn't sleep. I was fighting tears. I cycled through anger, frustration, confusion, and submission, over and over until I finally fell into a fitful sleep several hours later.

As I compare how I felt with that of the other submissive accounts I've read on orgasm denial, I seem to have a terribly long way to go on my journey. Master and I did discuss this the next day. We agreed this is something I need to work on and Master, ever helpful, offered to give me many more opportunities to practice and improve.

1 comment:

  1. Orgasm denial can be amazing. It's rarely easy but the rewards are worth it.
    A week or two into it, suddenly things change. Instead of trying to cum,instead of every action becoming just a step to orgasm, it all takes on a wonderful value and joy of it's own.
    Edging can be almost divine.
    I'd love for you to visit my site Your writing is lovely and I'd be extremely pleased to publish and further thoughts you have on orgasm denial.


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