Monday, June 24, 2013

Master's Diet - An Update

Shortly after becoming Master's submissive I wrote that I hoped to leverage my submission to lose weight and keep it off.  At that time I had already lost 10 pounds and was really excited about the prospects of losing even more.  Well, this is an update on my progress and I am thrilled (and so is Master) to report that I've lost 25 pounds in the 7 weeks I've been on the Master's Diet.  Being submissive with my eating habits tickles that spot inside me that sighs with pleasure when I follow Master's rules and subject myself to his control.  It's been by far the easiest and most enjoyable diet I've ever been on.  (Did I really say enjoyable? Yes I did!) This from someone who has tried them all.

I know some of you want to know what kind of crazy diet this is, this Master's Diet (at least my Master's diet anyway). Master says when you add it up all diets follow the same formula. Reduce calories consumed, increase calories burned, lose weight. So his diet focuses on calories consumed and calories burned, not on specific types of food to eat or avoid. I can pick and choose whatever I want to eat as long as I stay under my daily calorie limit.

Each week Master gives me a spreadsheet that contains columns for recording each day  my weight, my food journal with calories consumed, my water intake, my exercise, and whether or not I took my vitamins.  There are certain requirements I must meet daily or weekly.  For instance, Master specifies how much weight I am to lose that week, how many calories I can have each day (mostly in the 1200-1250 per day range so far), how much water I must drink each day, and how many times and minutes I must exercise each week.  He also specifies how many drinks other than water that I can have each week (this is both a dietary and budgetary constraint, two topics of great interest to Master).  

I update the spreadsheet daily and send to Master for review and adjustment as required. There are rewards for meeting my diet goals such as earning Free Anytime Orgasm cards (we call them FAOs) which allow me to choose a time and place to receive an orgasm beyond any orgasms I might receive through Master's generosity. I can also suggest how I'd like to receive my orgasm but that is treated only as a suggestion by Master (don't want Pet to forget her place). There are also punishments including spankings and loss of FAO cards for falling short of my goal, not meeting my water requirements, going over the daily calorie limits, not exercising enough, or inaccurately capturing my calories consumed.

I've received several of these precious FAO cards over the past few weeks and have enjoyed the fruits of my success in some amazing ways.  Though I've not gotten spanked yet as a diet punishment that is about to change tonight.  Master has already said that I will get 16 swats tonight because I missed my weight goal by .4 pounds, went over my total calorie limit for the week by 121 calories, missed my water intake requirement a couple days, and ate some foods for which I could not accurately estimate calories.  This is the first time in 7 weeks I missed my diet goal so I'll have to let you know later how sore my bottom is. But even in this "bad" week I still lost 2.8 pounds!

You can find all my diet related posts here if interested.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Orgasm Denied - Restless in Dallas

I am not good at being denied things I want. Be it dessert, a new outfit, something for the house, or an orgasm, I do lack self-discipline. I've spent a lifetime not believing I am a spoiled brat (being an only child we are always labeled as spoiled). But I am finding as I explore my submission that I am much closer to a brat than a paragon of self-control.

From my reading, I've learned that graciously accepting the denial of an orgasm is an expected and desirable trait in a sub. And even better if your Master first gets you all fired up, or demands that you arouse yourself, and then leaves you high and dry. I've read one story recently (helpfully provided by Master) where a sub had to masturbate once each day for every letter in the name of the day (yes, that means nine times on Wednesday). All without a single orgasm the entire week. That sub handled the task with some struggle, but also with a positive submissive attitude.

A couple nights ago I had my own experience with orgasm denial and my attitude definitely left some room for improvement. It started with Master telling me to get a shower. This is usually a good sign because it means there is a chance he is planning to go down on me (which he does quite expertly). I quickly finished my shower anticipating some good oral sex. I wasn't disappointed as Master dove right in. Things were really cooking along when Master stopped. He let me cool down a bit and then started fingering me. Again, just as my arousal was reaching it's peak, Master stopped followed by another cool down.

Master then mounted me and started really fucking me. He was pumping in and out of me hard and fast, and I was climbing towards orgasm again but not just quite able to get there. This went on for a while. Then, all of a sudden, Master had his orgasm and quickly pulled out, leaving me hanging a third time. It almost seemed like Master varied his technique and strokes to keep me just on the edge but unfulfilled. (Which it turns out he purposely did.)

This did not make me happy at all! The worst part was when he reminded me that I had asked him many times to use my body for his pleasure without consideration of my own. But I didn't imagine Master would first go to a lot of effort to arouse me and then take his pleasure without me. As I rolled over to go to sleep (giving Master the cold shoulder), I think I would have gladly thrown daggers at him if I had any in the night stand. My body eventually cooled off, but my mind was still boiled, processing what had happened and dissecting how I felt about.
“I should be a good sub and graciously accept my Master’s use of me." 
“Why was he so mean to arouse me and then leave me hanging?” 
“Did he set out from the very beginning to do that?” 
“I did ask him to do this, so what’s my problem now that he has?” 
“How could he do this to me?” 
“I'll just give myself an orgasm later after he falls asleep – oh wait, I’m not allowed to do that!” 
“Why can’t I get into a proper submissive frame of mind about this?”
This went on and on and on. I couldn't sleep. I was fighting tears. I cycled through anger, frustration, confusion, and submission, over and over until I finally fell into a fitful sleep several hours later.

As I compare how I felt with that of the other submissive accounts I've read on orgasm denial, I seem to have a terribly long way to go on my journey. Master and I did discuss this the next day. We agreed this is something I need to work on and Master, ever helpful, offered to give me many more opportunities to practice and improve.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Spanking Positions

A couple weeks ago Master had me pick my own spanking implement, a paddle. Yesterday Master texted me a dozen or so pictures of various spanking positions and told me to rate the ones I liked best and explain why, focusing on effective delivery and reinforcement of my submission.

There were traditional positions like bent over a Master's lap, face down on a bed, or bent over a piece of furniture. Some had an arm held behind the back by Master. A few had hands bound while in others the recipient had to keep their arms and hands positioned a particular way. Some actually had special bondage spanking furniture with the sub fully and deliciously immobilized.

But there were also some rather interesting positions like the one with the Master seated, the sub upside down between his legs, with her legs around his torso, and her ass right where it needed to be -  perfect for spanking. And others like this one that required the dexterity of a gymnist or circus performer. But I'm not fond of these positions. I like the ones that are not too hard to hold, you can breathe easily, the blood doesn't all run to your head, and you can fully focus on the spanking without unnecessary distraction.

Master also included some erotic spanking positions that combined spanking with Hitachi wands, vibrators, dildos, and oher toys. And there was one where the sub was positioned with Master's cock in her mouth as she was spanked. Hot! But Master's texts said these erotic spanking positions would not be used for maintanance or disciplinary spankings. Darn.

I must be a little daft to be helping Master spank me better?

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Reflections at Two Months

Master and I have been on our Master/pet journey now for two months (he actually wished me "Happy 2 Month Anniversary" in the shower yesterday morning). In those two months and several months leading up to them we have researched many Internet sites and personal blogs on topics spanning BDSM, “Taken in Hand”, "This Thing We Do", "Domestic Discipline", orgasm denial, forced orgasm, spanking, kink and fetishes.

It was two months ago today Master asked me to be his sex slave (a day he now refers to as "Slave Day"). When I said yes I agreed that I would make my body accessible to him for whatever purpose and whenever he wanted (within hard limits of course). I would no longer masturbate except under his direction, and he would control when and how I orgasm. At the time this was all about sex, hot kinky sex.

Very quickly, and with my insistence, we decided to go beyond the bedroom with dominance and submission. We are experimenting with disciplinary spankings (though Master is a bit of a softy and has been working on getting his head around this concept after so many years of trying not to cause me pain). Master is now managing my diet. We've dabbled in orgasm denial – I’m not very good at this, but discovered some things about myself in the process (more on this in a future blog).

The last two months have been a rebirth in our relationship and are filled with many firsts, lots of physical and emotional intimacy, orgasms uncountable, and more joy than I've experienced in some time. Pretty good for a couple in their third decade of marriage. Heck, we are even taking long walks together again which we haven't done in years! We are still trying to figure out what to call what we are doing, and how to structure this new phase of our relationship. 

Today, I received the following texts from Master while at work (capitalization, punctuation, and spelling corrected for readability):
pet. I feel based on some of your past comments that I have not been the Master you desire. Too soft to bend you into submission and obedience. Too slow to use spankings as an attitude adjuster, even too soft in managing your diet. Masters must study, learn and strive to excel just like pets! I want you to get what you need so this thing we do works and lasts.
Now that we have explored TTWD, I am finding we have a much better relationship, we spend more quality time together, we set a better example for the kids, home life is much less stressful and much more harmonious. And, most importantly, you truly seem happy for the first time in a long, long while. I went into this for kinky sex and have been completely blown away by the nonsexual benefits and changes. Now I want to take this deeper as Master. I don’t want this to slip away from us.

Wow! That is probably the most romantic thing my Peter/Husband/Master has ever said to me! I’m looking forward to going further with TTWD. It excites me, scares me (a little), but I know for sure it won’t be boring, and that we will have a better relationship as a result of it.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Of Shrews and Spankings

Shrew = Spanking

Being submissive is proving much more difficult than I expected.  In the bedroom it has been a piece of cake. Previously, I only occasionally took the lead regarding sex in our marriage and I responded to advances only when I was interested. The key difference since saying yes to submission is that I now make my body available to Master always – I welcome any and all sexual attentions at any time (within hard-limits which are pretty minimal).  I thoroughly enjoy the sexual aspects of submission.  I've had more orgasms in more ways in the past two months than I've had in the previous two years! And these aren't just run of the mill O’s. They have been, by and large, a 15 on a scale of 1 to 10.  Big check mark in the submission positive column here! 

However, Master and I also agreed that the D/s activities would extend outside the bedroom.  We would engage in domestic discipline and we would embrace traditional male/female roles as much as we could, understanding that some things might require personal growth and boundary stretching for both of us.  We both believe that men and women are not better off for having abandoned our primal instincts.  We believe that God programmed men and women to have traits that are very different and we are best served by living into and out of those roles.  Relationships are more harmonious and productive.  The male and female traits are complementary and when fulfilled create a whole that meets what each partner needs in a way that is almost mystical.

With that said, I am struggling with the non-sexual submission.  I am well educated, professional, and way stronger-willed then I ever thought.  I work in an industry where men outnumber women 4 to 1.  I manage teams that are often entirely men and I’m very comfortable calling the shots.  I have been an equal partner in my marriage up to this point and I’m used to exerting my opinion and having it heard and valued.  These traits are innate in my personality and they are deeply ingrained after many years of marriage.  So I guess it is not surprising that I am finding submission difficult in some unexpected ways.  In the last couple of days I've encountered some situations where, quite frankly, I bombed as a sub.

As an example, yesterday I woke up in one of those moods where I am “hell on wheels”.  Shrewish hits the nail on the head.  (Master calls it “Bitchy Witchy".) Unfortunately, it usually takes me a lot longer to realize I’m in this mood than it does everyone around me. 

The situation came to a head that evening and in hind sight was really quite ridiculous. But after a day of putting up with me in shrew mode, Master finally had enough.  We were taking our older child to a sports practice and I told Master to turn at a specific spot because I believed you couldn't get to the field if we went straight.  What I didn't know was that Master had previously done a drop off at this field and knew that you could in fact go that way.  He then said that his way was better (shorter and with less speed bumps).  When I started to comment back, he gave me that Master’s warning look.

Now, you have to understand that when I’m in shrew-mode, I’m also hyper-sensitive. Which means I take everything personally and I’m not always rational.  My first thought was, “Why does he always have to be right?” My next thought was, “As a submissive, how do I deal with this?”  And then, “How am I supposed to bottle up my anger?" Followed by the even worse, “Why should I bottle my anger?”  As I ruminated on these questions, I felt more and more frustrated, confused, and yes, hurt. 

When we got home, Master (as Master usually does) picked up that something was wrong.  Eventually I spilled that I was hurt by his comment in the car.  He told me that when I debate him, it upsets him, especially when he is right. Of course, I didn't know he was right, which made me feel even worse.  Then he told me that he’d put up with my shrewishness all day.  It began first thing that morning when I complained about him waking me up 15 minutes before the alarm went off. Turns out he did this to get some cuddle and squeeze time before the day started.  Looking back on that, I feel terrible.  How many women would love to wake to their husbands cuddling and caressing them lovingly? And I responded by complaining and giving him the cold shoulder – especially bad behavior for a submissive towards her Master. 

Master decided that a spanking was clearly needed to reset my attitude.  We went upstairs with me feeling like I really deserved it.  I stripped naked and lay face down on the bed while Master got the paddle.  After twelve swats, I was feeling at peace.  It’s like a switch was flipped and my emotional state was cleared, reset, and I was again back to normal.  The shrew was once again tamed.   As an aside, I also found myself suddenly and extraordinarily horny.  What I didn't know was that Master’s plan also included taking his pleasure on me without consideration of my own release.  Luckily for me things didn't work out quite that way. But that is a story for another blog post...

Friday, June 7, 2013

My Anklet Revisited

Back in April I blogged about my newest piece of jewelry, an eternity anklet from Master symbolizing my eternal submission.  At that time I wrote that I had many reservations about wearing this anklet out in public, to work, and around family and friends.  Well, that was six weeks ago and I have not taken it off for a single moment.

Today I was reflecting on how I feel about the anklet and I realized I've come a long way.  Six weeks ago I didn't want to wear a dress to work or wear shorts outside as the weather got warmer, for fear someone would notice it, recognize what it was, or ask about it.  Now I do so without a second thought. I even wore a dress to my youngest’s graduation from a Christian middle school.  I am still very much aware of it around my ankle, but I don’t fret about what people will think when they see it.  

I've only had two comments about it and they both came from women I exercise with.  One thought it was some sort of monitor for a Nintendo Wii exercise program.  The comment from my other friend really cracked me up.  She thought it was a court-ordered GPS offender tracking system and wanted to know what I did to get it!  We had a lot of fun joking about me not being able to go more than 10 miles from home.   However, I did not tell either of them that it is a symbol of my submission to my Master/husband.  I simply explained that it is an anklet my husband bought for me and is kind of like a wedding band, symbolizing our eternal love.

Of course Master thought the tracking device comment was hysterical. Especially since he originally said my anklet looked like it came from a prison supply catalog!

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Adventures In Subspace

Last night in Subspace Communications I blogged about my desire to both understand and experience subspace. I didn't have to wait long to try again which is a good thing because I hate to wait...  Speaking of waiting... Not that long ago Master went on a brief trip out of the country after sneaking several erotic BDSM novels onto my Kindle. On his departure he provided strict instructions including reading a minimum of 30 minutes a day, while naked and uncovered in bed. But I was not permitted to masturbate or cum under any circumstance.  I obeyed, though barely and with great difficulty. This was made worse because some of the books were really quite good so I read well beyond my required 30 minutes each night. after thinking smutty thoughts 24x7 for 4 days without satisfying myself, I was a frustrated horny mess by the time he got home. So, I definitely hate to wait, even more after that.  But I digress.

So we were paying bills last night right after I uploaded my blog on “Subspace Communications”. We unexpectedly found ourselves without kids so I was sitting naked at Master's feet while writing checks.  When we finished Master said, “Let’s play”.   We have a workout area in our house with weights and an adjustable sit up bench. Master bound me to the bench on my back and then started using a riding crop on my breasts.  It really hurt.  Without warning, the tears started.  Like a good Master (because we've done our research) he asked if I was okay.  I said, “I think so”.  He continued using the crop on my breasts and my clit.  This was definitely the most intense pain that he has administered so far. At one point I was asking myself why is he doing this to me? The tears and sobbing were enough that my nose clogged and Master had to help me blow it (embarrassing, but necessary since I couldn't do it myself bound as I was).

Next, he set up the Hitachi Wand to provide stimulation right where it needed to without having to hold it.  I was bound very tight restricting all but the slightest movement so the wand stayed in place right where he put it.  Then he inserted a large dildo with a handle into my pussy.  I was still feeling emotional from the crop but was also beginning to enjoy the pleasure.  Then Master stood over my head, straddling the bench, and shoved his cock into my mouth.  I thought, “Now we’re getting somewhere”.  I love to give Master head.   While I was slurping and sucking on Master’s cock, he continued sliding the dildo in and out of my cunt, while the wand vibrated away.  This was all pretty intense!  But I was also still feeling pain from the cropping and still must have been sobbing because my nose was still clogged. I couldn't breathe all that well through my nose and Master’s cock was doing a good job of filling my mouth.  I think I may have gotten to experience some breath play along with everything else.

Soon a long orgasm overcame me. But Master didn't stop there.  He left the wand on my hypersensitive clit and continued pumping the dildo in and out throughout and after my orgasm.  If you've ever had the wand put on your clit post-orgasm you know how intense it can be.  I've been known to bend and break restraints trying to get away from the over-stimulation.  However, last night Master had me so securely bound that there was no escaping "the wand".  I don’t know if I had another orgasm or not, but it was so over the top and I was so overloaded with sensations that I started to feel strange and nauseated.  Maybe more trance-like than out of body. Master finally stopped and I immediately started sobbing like I've never sobbed before. And I couldn't stop. Master released me and held me tight while I held him tight. All I wanted was to hold and be held. It was 30 minutes before I quit sobbing and felt stable enough to stand up.  We went straight to bed where Master held me and I held him for another 30 minutes before we went to sleep.  

I don’t know if this was subspace or not. But it was certainly something I have never experienced before.  I realized afterwards that it never even occurred to me safeword out or even say “yellow” at some point, especially while being cropped. Maybe I should have.  I've read where other subs have had this happen - they forget all about safewords and focus on endure with no thought of escape.

This morning Master said I still had a kind of a far away look in my eyes.  But I also had a big smile on my face that lasted all day so maybe it wasn't so bad last night after all.  I’m surprised no one asked me what I have been up to that has me so happy.  Boy would they have been surprised. Incidentally, Master got some great photos of the proceedings from our in-home security cameras. Hot, hot, hot! But he won't let me post them.

Random Thoughts - Has Anybody Seen My Panties?

Yesterday while at work (in a short skirt) I received a text from Master instructing me to remove my panties for the remainder of the day.  So, I go into the bathroom, avoiding eye contact with a coworker as she exits, quickly remove my panties,  and stuff them under my suit jacket until I can get back to my desk and put them in my purse. Master has asked me to do this before so I wasn’t unnerved by the request.  That is until I got back to my desk and couldn’t find my panties! I had a long moment of panic when I realized that I must have dropped them somewhere between the bathroom and my desk.  I hurried back along my route and found them lying in the middle of the hallway.  I snatched them up, a black barely there frilly thong, and quickly looked around to see if anyone had noticed.  My face was already so red, I can’t imagine what color I would have turned if somebody had seen me picking up my panties!

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Subspace Communications

I continue to be curious about this altered state called subspace. (I was going to say fascinated, but that’s not really the right word.)  I wonder if it’s similar to the concept of multiple orgasms – people have to take your word for whether or not it happened. It’s easy to fake but it could also be real.  You just don’t know until you experience it yourself.   If you can’t attain subspace is it because it’s not real, or you don’t recognize it, or maybe you personally for whatever reason can’t get achieve it?

After I mentioned in a previous blog that I was curious, Master, ever helpful, provided some links for me to research.  It was very useful at least in terms of providing guidance. For example: 
  1. Some reference it only with a high level of pain while others say it is more about deep submissiveness.
  2. The pain threshold can be achieved with many different tools (hand, flogger, cane, even a wooden spoon).
  3. Many body parts are  suitable for inflicting the pain – but it is considered bad form to exclude buttocks as a hard limit.
  4. Good communication is essential.
  5. Lots of aftercare is absolutely essential.
  6. Negotiate the ground rules thoughtfully well in advance.
I also found good descriptions of what subspace feels like: flying, on drugs when you’re not, out of body experience, and like a continuous orgasm.  That last bit is intriguing to say the least. The guidance on how to achieve subspace mostly centered around severe pain that causes an endorphin flood that yields the desired results.

I don’t have a lot of experience so far with pain for pleasure.  Master and I have only dabbled in this a tiny bit.  I don’t know if I’m enough of a masochist to allow Master to punish me to that extent. Furthermore, I don’t know if Master has the sadist stomach to administer that much pain.  I’m probably more enthusiastic about this than he is.  But I will say I’m still curious and I expect that sometime soon there will be a post from me on how our attempt at achieving subspace turned out.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Left to My Own Devices

During our recent beach vacation, Master orchestrated a play session that left me to my own devices, literally.  He told me to pick two items from the toy bag to give myself an orgasm while he watched.  The only hitch was that he would control when I got to climax.

Feeling a little embarrassed - I don't know why after everything we have done to each other, I selected a large rubber dildo and of course the Hitachi Wand.

I started by applying some lube to the dildo using the same types of strokes I use to rub pre-cum on Master's cock - rubbing around the head and down the shaft, varying the pressure and stroke length.  This was for Master's benefit.

Once the dildo was nice and slippery, I inserted it slowly into my pussy.  Mmmmm, the friction felt so nice as I moved it in and out.  This definitely got me revving.  Next I added some clit stimulation from the wand.  This brought me to the edge of climax very quickly, but Master was no where near ready for the fun to be over.  He said "keep yourself on the edge, but don't cum".   At this point it started to get very difficult.  He also told me to "keep your eyes open and look at me".  Uhh, that's nearly impossible.  My eyes kept trying to close.  What a struggle in and of its self without the added problem of trying not to cum before I was allowed.  At one point, I thought, "what's the big deal, just cum if you need to".  But my desire to please Master won out.  I know I was looking at Master with the most desperate, pleading expression.

Finally,  he said, "Cum for me, Pet".  Oh yeah! 

Sometimes when Master gives me a really powerful orgasm along with a whopping emotional release, I will cry and sob when it's over, but I've never had that happen after masturbating.  So I was surprised when I felt a flood of emotional overload and I began to sob.  Master makes even masturbation more fun. And he said sometime soon he will see me masturbate to multiple orgasms. Hmmm.

Random Thoughts - Subspace

I would like to explore subspace more.  In "Conquer Me", the author refers to two states - headspace and subspace. Headspace is a chemical reaction in the brain brought on by pain and induces an almost drugged state.  Subspace is an intense experience of being totally immersed in and focused on Master and submission.  I'd like to dwelve into both, however the pain one scares me some.

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Naked Under the Stars

One of the aspects of our D/s relationship that appeals to Master is stretching my boundaries and having me do things that secretly I'd like to do but feel are not things nice girls would do.

Master knows I have an exhibitionist streak that I've never acted on.  This week we are on vacation at the beach.  The evening before last, Master and I went for a beach walk.  He told me to remove my bra and unbutton the top three buttons on my blouse.  With my bra in my back pocket,  we completed the walk.  The ocean breeze felt so decadent caressing my bare breasts.

The next night, we went for our walk once it was completely dark.  Master had warned me he was going to tell me to remove all my clothes this time.  Oh my, this is not something I would have even discussed just a couple weeks ago and now I found myself strategizing on what I could wear to make it easier.

I opted for a sundress and no panties or bra to start.  Once on the beach, I slipped the dress off and there I was completely naked under the stars.  I felt wild and free, a little nervous, thrilled with the opportunity to submit to my Master, and very much alive.

As we walked, there suddenly were approaching headlights coming down the beach (this was not a deserted beach and had occassional pedestrian and 4wd traffic).  I grabbed my dress from Master and struggled to get it on. But it was inside out and I couldn't find the arm holes! As I tried desperately to get my dress on,  I was cowering behind a laughing Master, trying to stay out of the headlights.  I figured my skin would reflect the lights like the moon - no pun intended.  I felt so many emotions in those seconds - fear, embarrassment, humor, frustration, urgency, humiliation to name a few.  I do have to admit the humor was only after I got my dress back on.

I'm thankful to my Master for pushing my limits and allowing me to experience a deep-seated desire.   Just some of the many benefits of a D/s relationship.